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1、CordleToOnionToCarrotbyRobertSheckleySurely,yourememberthatbullywhokickedsandonthe97-pound-weakling?Well,thatpunyman'sproblemhasneverbeensolved,despiteCharlesAtlas'sclaimstothecontrary.Agenuinebullylikestokicksandonpeople;forhim,simply,thereisgut-deepsatisfactioninaput-down.Itwouldn'tmatterifyouw
2、eighed240pounds—allofitrock-hardmuscleandsteelysinew—andwereaswiseasSolomonoraswittyasVoltaire;you'dstillendupwiththesandofaninsultinyoureyes,andprobablyyouwouldn'tdoanythingaboutit.ThatwashowHowardCordleviewedthesituation.HewasapleasantmanwhowasforeverbeingpushedaroundbyFullerBrushmen,fundsolici
3、tors,headwaiters,andotherimposingfiguresofauthority.Cordlehatedit.Hesufferedinsilencethecountlessnumbersofmanic-aggressiveswhoshovedtheirwaytotheheadsoflines,tooktaxishehadhailedfirstandsneeringlysteeredawaygirlstowhomhewastalkingatparties.Whatmadeitworsewasthatthesepeopleseemedtowelcomeprovocati
4、on,togolookingforit,allforthesakeofcausingdiscomforttoothers.Cordlecouldn'tunderstandwhythisshouldbe,untilonemidsummer'sday,whenhewasdrivingthroughthenorthernregionsofSpainwhilestonedoutofhismind,thegodThoth-Hermesgrantedhimoriginalenlightenmentbymurmuring,"Uh,look,Igroovewiththeproblem,baby,butd
5、ig,wegottaputcarrotsinoritain'tnostew.""Carrots?"saidCordle,strugglingforillumination."I'mtalkingaboutthosetypeswhogetyouuptight,"Thoth-Hermesexplained."Theygottaactthatway,baby,onaccountofthey'recarrots,andthat'showcarrotsare.""Iftheyarecarrots,"Cordlesaid,feelinghisway,"thenI—""You,ofcourse,are
6、alittlepearly-whiteonion.""Yes!MyGod,yes!"Cordlecried,dazzledbytheblindinglightofsatori."And,naturally,youandalltheotherpearly-whiteonionsthinkthatcarrotsarejustbadnews,merelysomekindofmisshapenorangeyonion;whereasthecarrotslookatyouandrapaboutfreakyroundwhitecarrots,wow!Imean,you'rejusttoomuchfo
7、reachother,whereas,inactuality—""Yes,goon!"criedCordle."Inactuality,"Thoth-Hermesdeclared,"everything'sgotaplaceinTheStew!""Ofcourse!Isee,Isee,Isee!""Andthatmeansthateverybodywhoexistsisnecessary,andyoumusthavelonghate
