雅思大作文批改范例8.doc

《雅思大作文批改范例8.doc》由会员上传分享，免费在线阅读，更多相关内容在教育资源-天天文库。

1、Somepeoplethinkthatpersonalhappinesssdirectlyrelatedtoeconomicsuccess.Othersarguethathappinessdependsondifferentfactors.DiscussbothviewsandgiveyourownopinionWhatisthekeytoaccesstohappinesshasarousedpeople'sinterest.Somepeopleclaimthatmoneyplaysavitalroleingaininghappiness,whi

2、leothersthinkthatthereareavarietyofelementsconstrictingtoit.Personally,Iagreewiththelatteropinion.Moneyprovidespeoplewithmoreopportunitiestopursuehappiness,becauseeconomicsuccesscanmakeitpossibleforpeopletoenhancetheirqualityoflife.Bypurchasingexpensivejewels,luxuryhouse,spor

3、tscar,etc.withoutworriesofmonetarypressure,wealthyperson这里应该用复数，people泛指canenjoybetterlivingstandardsthanthatofordinarypeople这里改成ones，为了避免重复.Whenfinancialpressureandlifestressdonotexistinone’slife,heorsheislikelytohavelessworryandhaverichentertainment,therebyachievingtheacces

4、stohappiness.Althoughfortuneissignificanttoobtainhappiness,therearealsomanyotherfactorsformimportantpartsofeudemonia.Anactivelifestylecanpromptpeople'sspiritualtreasure.Thismeansthatpeoplecanreceivehappinessbyhavingahealthylife,warmrelativesandintimatefriends.Thesevaluablefac

5、torsenablepeoplehaveapositiveattitudetotackledifficultiesandenjoyahappyIife.AsfarasIamconcerned,happinesscannotalwaysbepurchasedbymoney.Richmateriallifesometimescouldcausenegativeimpactonachievinghappiness.Itisnoteworthythatnumerousof去掉，numerous一般用作形容词，直接修饰名词wealthypeoplewhoh

6、aveaffluentpossessions,incontrast,haveoftenendedupinasicklifestyle.Thismakesthemsufferfromsickness,lonelyanddesperation,前后句子完整，所以用句号inthelightoffactthatmoneyisnoguaranteeofhappiness.Tosummarize,financialsuccesscouldgivepeopleanease这里修饰名词，要用easyIifetoenjoyhappiness.However,wit

7、houtanactivelifestyleandspiritualtreasure,happinesswillnotbesustainablymaintained.总点评：整体结构文章按照开头、主题和结尾三部分展开，采用双边讨论结构，符合议论文的基本架构，字数也很充实文章逻辑本文是四段式，两个body段，body1、2论证比较均有利。Body1可以再扩充一个分论点。语言运用语法运用有一些不到位，详见批注。本篇文章得分:6.5