资源描述：
《雅思作文——长沙北雅朱礼逵之修改学生雅思作文2》由会员上传分享，免费在线阅读，更多相关内容在教育资源-天天文库。
1、（长沙北雅）朱礼逵之修改学生雅思作文2IELTStestinAustralia–June2010(GeneralTraining)WritingTask2(anessay)Itisoftensaidthatpeopleover60shouldnotworkanymorebecauseoftheproblemstheycreate,theemployersshouldmakethemretire.Doyouagreeordisagree?Givereasonsforyouropinion. Thereisat
2、opicontheGuardian,Times,NewYorkTime,whethertheoldmanover60shouldretire.Somebodycontendtheoldmaniseasytogettiredsothattheycannotfinishtheirworktimelywhiletheothershaveadissentpinion. 1，Therearemanydebateswhethertheoldmanover60shouldretireornot,ontheGuardian
3、,Times,NewYorkTime.学生必须在第一个段落马上呈现自己的观点，让读者尽量少花时间来思索和前后综合来理解你的观点。如果是我的话，我会：Iinsistthatthetopicidea,fromsomeaspects,isreasonable,andthatweshouldnotignoresomespecialcases. AsfarasIknow,theoldman,especiallywhohashighpressure,diabetesandhighcholesterolsoftennee
4、drestwhenheexposestosomesituationofdifficultyandhugestress.Hence,thedailyworkcouldnotbecompleted.Then,thesolutiontoaproblemwillbechoppedandchangedduetothedevelopmentandresearchoftechnology.Theoldmanistoughtohaveaccesstotheseadvancedtechniques,forinstance,s
5、urfingtheinternet,takingadvantageofMicrosoftOfficesoftware,forenhancingtheefficiencyoftheholisticwork.Thus,theoldmanshouldretirewhenheis60yearsold. 你这个段落的point是什么呢？到底是站在那几个角度这个观点有合理之处呢？还是说这个观点忽略了一些现实的事实呢？所以我觉得简单点这样都好些：somepeoplecouldfindmanyevidencestosupp
6、ortsomemanagerstofixsomerulesofmakingsomeoldemployeestoretirearound60-year-old.当然也有牛人能够不需要这样的引导句子，但是学生你还是应该要走稳妥路线。我作为老师需要很费力的来理解你的point.你甚至没有point.theoldman,especiallywhohashighpressure,diabetesandhighcholesterolsoftenneedrestwhenheexposestosomesituationof
7、difficultyandhugestress.这个句子的事实能够证明他们应该退休呢，还是不退休。不够直接。我觉得应该这样改就比较直接了：theoldemployees,especiallywhohavehighpressure,diabetesandhighcholesterols,mayhaveaccidents,causingsevereconsequencesforthemselvesandfirms,orhavetroublesincopingwithsomejobswhichneedmuchph
8、ysicalenergy.粗体字部分，我要让读者能够马上知道60岁的继续工作话，坏处就是会产生意外事故，和不能很好的处理需要大量体力的工作，缺点非常明显，所以当然不应该继续工作了。而学生你只是说他们需要休息，这个我觉得更多的是他们产生意外后需要休息。AsfarasIknow,theoldman,especiallywhohashighpressure,diabetesandhighcholesterolsofte
