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1、TheDayMyClassmateFellIII（orGotInjured）提纲：1.简单叙述一下这位同学生病（或受伤）的情况2.同学、老师和我是如何帮助他/她的3.人与人之间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是……例1.（2分段）Oneday,weareallinclassroom.Wangfangsaid,H0h!nWeallseeherandfoundthatshewascrying!Teacherturnedtoaskherwhatwaswrong.Shesaid,nldogotafever,myheadisveryhot!”FengGangsentshetoho
2、spital,weallfollowedthey.Inthehospital,doctorWanggiveainjecttoher,shegraduallycalmandnothotasbefore.Weallthankedthedoctor.点评：未能按照题目要求写，没有着重写”同学、老师和我是如何帮助他/她的””人与人Z间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是……条理不清，思路紊乱，大部分句子均有错误，有的甚至影响理解。原文修改后：Oneday,whenwewereallinclassroom.,WangfangSuddenlycried,,“Oh!”Weallloo
3、kedatherandfoundthatshewasgroaning.Teacherturnedtoaskherwhatwaswrong.Shesaid,Mlhavegotafever,myheadisveryhot!"Immediately,ourteachersenthertohospital,andweallfollowedthem.Inthehospital,weaskeddoctorWangtogiveaninjectiontoher,andshegraduallybecamecalmandnotashotasbefore.Weallthankedth
4、edoctor.Thedayhaspassed,butitisclearlyinmymind.Ithinkifwecandothingslikethatintheincident,thesocietywillbebetter,andtherelationshipbetweenpeoplewillbebetteraswell!例2.（5分段）Lastweek,liningandIstudiedinclassroom.Suddenly,liningsaidtomethathehadaheadacheJaskedhetoseedoctor,hesaiditwasnot
5、bad・After5miniuts,liningsaitomehisheadacheveryserious・SoIhelpedhimgotohosptial.Studentsandteacherheardliningwenttohosptial,allofthemwenttothehosptial.Someteacheraskedliningdontworry,itwillbegood.Somestudentsaskedliningtakecareofhimself,liningsaidthathewasverymoved.Thoughtthisthings,I
6、thinkalot・Theworldisbeautiful,becausethelovefilledinit・peopiecanhelpeachotherwhenwhoareintrouble・点评：本文基本切题。语句衔接不自然，简单句使用得太多，有些表达不太准确，有明显的中文痕迹。要加强衔接词的运用，单复句的转换，句式的多样化，还有语言基本功的训练。原文修改后：Lastweek,LiningandIstudiedinclassroom.Suddenly,liningtoldmethathehadaheadache.Iaskedhimtoseethedoctor
7、,hesaiditwasnotsoserious.After5minutes,Liningtoldmethathisheadachebecameworse・SoIhelpedhimgotohospital.WhenStudentsandteachersheardthatLininghadgonetohospital,allofthemwenttothehospital.SometeachersaskedLiningnottoworryandtotakecareofhimself.Liningsaidthathewasverymoved・Throughtthis,
8、Ithinkalot.T
