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1、HowmuchEnglishcanyouspeak?"YourHonor,Iwanttobringtoyourattentionhowunfairitisformyclienttobeaccusedoftheft.HearrivedinNewYorkCityaweekagoandbarelyknewhiswayaround.What'smore,heonlyspeaksafewwordsofEnglish."Thejudgelookedatthedefendantandasked,"HowmuchEnglishcanyouspeak?"Thedefendantlookedupandsaid,"Givemeyourwallet!"中文翻译"法官先生，我的当事人被指控偷窃，这是多么不公正啊。他一周前才来到纽约，几乎不认路。而且，他只会说几个英语单词。"法官看了看被告，问道："你会说多少英文？"被告抬起头，说："把你的钱包给我！"2Ahusband,provingtohiswifethatwomentalkmorethanmen,showedherastudywhichindicatedthatmenuseonaverageonly15000wordsaday,whereaswomenuse30000wordsaday.Shethoughtaboutthisforawhileandthentoldherhusbandthatwomenusetwiceasmanywordsasmenbecausetheyhavetorepeateverythingtheysay.Hesaid,"What?"丈夫给妻子看了一项调查结果，为了向她证明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000个字，而女人每天使用30000个。妻子想了一会儿说，女人每天说的字数是男人的两倍，因为她们必须重复已经说过的话。他问："什么？"3Boy:Isthisseatempty?Girl:Yes,andthisonewillbeifyousitdown.男孩：这个座位是空的么？女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也将是空的。4、"Tom,what'sthematterwithyourbrother?"askedthemotherinthekitchen."He'scrying.""Oh,nothing,Mum,"repliedTom."I'meatingmycake.HeiscryingbecauseIwon'tgivehimany.""Buthashefinishedhisowncake?""Yes."saidTom."AndhealsocriedwhenIwashelpinghimfinishthat.""汤姆，你弟弟怎么了？"妈妈在厨房里问。"他在哭。""没事儿，妈妈，"汤姆答道。"我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因为我不给他吃。""他已经吃完自己的了么？""是的。""我帮他吃完时，他也哭了。" 2009-6-7Aguysaystohisfriend,"GuesshowmanycoinsIhaveinmypocket."Thefriendssays,"IfIguessright,willyougivemeoneofthem?"Thefirstguyssays,"Ifyouguessright,I'llgiveyoubothofthem!"路人甲对路人乙说，"猜猜我兜里有几个子儿？"路人乙说："我猜对了，你能给我一个不？"路人甲说："你要猜对了，我两个全部给你！"2009-6-6研究生和本科生的区别"Icanalwaystellagraduateclassfromanundergraduateclass,"saidaninstructoratauniversitygraduateengineeringcourse."WhenIsay'Goodafternoon,'theundergraduatesrespond'Goodafternoon.'Butthegraduatestudentsjustwriteitdown."一个教师在研究生工程学课堂上说："我一眼就能看出来哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。""我说'下午好'的时候，本科生回答'下午好'，而研究生则把这句话记在本子上。"2009-6-5Dad:Tom,pleasetellme,whichmonthhas28days?Tom:Everymonth.爸爸：告诉我汤姆，哪个月有28天呢？汤姆：每个月都有啊！2009-6-4makingfacesFindingoneofherstudentsmakingfacesatothersontheplayground,MsSmithstoppedtogentlyreprimandthechild.Smilingsweetly,theSundayschoolteachersaid,"Bobby,whenIwasachildIwastoldifImadeuglyfaces,myfacewouldfreezeandstaylikethat".Bobbylookedupandreplied,"Well,MsSmith,youcan'tsayyouweren'twarned."史密斯小姐发现她的一名学生在操场上向别人做鬼脸，便去轻责他。这位主日学校的老师甜甜地微笑着，说："博比，我小的时候，有人告诉我如果我做鬼脸，我的脸就会僵硬，永远都那么丑。"博比抬头看了看老师，说："史密斯小姐，你可别说没人警告过你啊。"2009-6-3Aguygoestovisithisgrandmaandhebringshisfriendwithhim.Whilehe'stalkingtohisgrandma,hisfriendstartseatingthepeanutsonthecoffeetable,andfinishesthemoff.Asthey'releaving,hisfriendsaystohisgrandma,"Thanksforthepeanuts."Shesays,"Yeah,sinceIlostmydenturesIcanonlysuckthechocolateoff." 一名男子带着朋友去探望他的祖母。当他和祖母聊天时，他的朋友开始吃咖啡桌上放的花生，并把花生都给吃光了。他们离开时，他的朋友对祖母说:"谢谢您的花生。"结果祖母说:"唉！自从我牙齿掉光后，我就只能吮掉花生豆外层的巧克力了。"2009-6-2Afatherwastryingtoteachhissontheevilsofalcohol.Heputoneworminaglassofwaterandanotherworminaglassofwhiskey.Theworminthewaterlived,whiletheoneinthewhiskeycurledupanddied."Allright,son,"askedthefather,"Whatdoesthatshowyou?""Well,Dad,itshowsthatifyoudrinkalcohol,youwillnothaveworms."一位父亲打算让自己的儿子知道酒精有多么可怕。他把分别把两只虫子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里做对比。清水里虫子安然无恙，结果威士忌里的虫子蜷缩了几下就挂掉了。"所以，儿子啊，"父亲问道，"得出什么结论？""恩，这说明，你只要喝酒的话，肚里就不会长虫了！"2009-6-1Lookingveryunhappy,apoormanenteredadoctor'sconsulting-room."Doctor,"hesaid,"youmusthelpme.Iswallowedapennyaboutamonthago.""Goodheavens,man!"saidthedoctor."Whyhaveyouwaitedsolong?Whydon'tyoucometomeonthedayyouswallowedit?""Totellyouthetruth,Doctor,"thepoormanreplied,"Ididn'tneedthemoneysobadlythen."中文翻译：一个看起来很难受的穷人走进大夫的诊室。"大夫！"他说，"帮帮我！一个月前我吞了一分硬币！""天哪，"大夫说，"早干嘛去了？你当时怎么不来看？""实话告诉您吧，大夫，"穷人说，"我当时还不缺钱！"2009-5-31Boy:Hi,didn'twegoondatesbefore?Onecortwice?Girl:Must'vebeenonce.Inevermakethesamemistaketwice.男孩：嗨，我们之前是不是约会过，是一次还是两次，我忘记了。 女孩：应该只有一次吧，我从不犯两次同样的错误。2009-5-30Inanentranceexaminationofaconservatoryofmusic,ateacheraskedoneoftheboys,"Whatisthemostimportantphysiologicalqualityofamusician?""Tobedeaf,"repliedtheboy."Nonsense!"saidtheteacherangrily."Why,sir!Don'tyouknowthatthefamousmusicianBeethovenwasdeaf?"theboyaskedinreplydisdainfully.在一次音乐学院的入学考试中，老师问其中一个男孩："音乐家最重要的生理素质是什么？""耳聋，"男孩答道。"胡说！"老师气愤地说。"怎么了，先生！难道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音乐家贝多芬是个聋子吗？"男孩轻蔑地反问道。2009-5-28Amansatatabar,hadthesaddesthangdogexpression.Bartender:"What'sthematter?Areyouhavingtroubleswithyourwife?"Theman:"Wehadafight,andshetoldmethatshewasn'tgoingtospeaktomeforamonth."Bartender:"Thatshouldmakeyouhappy."Theman:"No,themonthisuptoday!"一个男人坐在酒吧里，伤心至极。酒吧招待："你怎么了？跟老婆闹矛盾了？"男人："我们吵了一架，她说一个月都不跟我说话。"酒吧招待："那你应该高兴才是啊！"男人："不，今天是这个月的最后一天。"【Laughter】2009-5-27Awomanworriesaboutthefutureuntilshegetsahusband.Amanneverworriesaboutthefutureuntilhegetsawife.女人找了老公之前都在担忧未来。男人娶了老婆之前从来不为未来担忧。2009-5-26Amanwillpay$2fora$1itemhewants.Awomanwillpay$1fora$2itemthatshedoesn'twant.男人想要的东西，要是值1块钱却卖2块，他也会买；而对于女人，即使是不想要的东西，要是值2块钱却只卖1块，她也会买。2009-5-25Thefemaledormitorywillbeout-of-boundsforallmalestudentsandviceversa."Anybodycaughtbreakingthisrulewillbefined$20thefirsttime.Anybodycaughtbreakingthisrulethe 2ndtimewillbefined$60.Beingcaughta3rdtimewillincurafineof$180.Arethereanyquestions?"Atthismoment,amalestudentinthecrowdinquires,"Umm...Howmuchforaseasonpass?"女生宿舍将全面禁止男生进入，男生宿舍也同样不得女生光临。"不论是谁，一旦违规，初犯将被罚款20美元。再犯要被罚款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罚款。还有什么疑问么？"这时人群中一个男同学问道，"那么一个季度通行证需要多少钱？"2009-5-24Boy:CanIbuyyouadrink?Girl:ActuallyI'dratherhavethemoney.男孩：我可以给你买杯饮料吗？女孩：你不如直接把钱给我得了。2009-5-22Doctor:Yourcoughsoundsmuchbettertoday.Patient:Itshould.I'vebeenpracticingallnight.医生：听上去你咳嗽今天好多了。病人：应该如此。我昨晚练习了一整夜。2009-5-21Pete:"ThelasttimeIwasouthunting,Isteppedoffahighcliff,andwouldyoubelieveit,whileIwasfallingeveryfooldeedI'deverdonecameintomymind."Bob:"Musthavebeenaprettyhighmountainyoufellfrom."皮特："我上次出去打猎，跌下了很高的悬崖，信不信由你，当我跌落的时候，我脑海里浮现了我做过的所有蠢事。"鲍勃："你一定是从万丈高山上跌落的吧。"2009-5-19Spendingthenightwiththeirgrandparents,2youngboyskneltbesidetheirbedstosaytheirprayersatbedtime.Theyoungerboybeganprayingatthetopofhislungs:"IPRAYFORABIKE...IPRAYFORANEWDVD..."Hisolderbrothernudgedhimandsaid,"Whyareyoushoutingyourprayers?Godisn'tdeaf."Towhichthelittlebrotherreplied,"No,butGrandmais!"2个男孩与祖父母一起过夜，他们跪在床边做睡前祷告。弟弟声嘶力竭地祈祷:"我祈求一辆自行车，一张新DVD……"哥哥用肘轻推他:"你为什么大喊着祈祷？上帝又不聋。"弟弟答道:"上帝是不聋，但是奶奶聋。" 2009-5-18Acopspottedawomandrivingandknittingatthesametime.Comingupbesideher,hesaid,"Pullover!""No,"shereplied,"apairofsocks!"巡警发现一名妇女边开车边织毛衣，便开车上前，说："靠边停车(套头衫)！""不，"她回答，"是一双袜子！"Inordertoprovetheharmfuleffectofalcohol,theteacherputabugintoaglassfilledwithalcohol,soonthebugdied.Theteacheraskedastudent,"whatdoesthisshow?"Thestudentanswered,"Itshowsthatpeoplewon'tgetparasitesiftheydrinkmorealcohol."酒的好处为了证明酒精对生物的危害，老师把一只虫子放入装有酒精的杯子里，虫子很快就死了。老师问一个学生：“这说明了什么？”学生答道：“说明人多喝酒，就不会长虫子。”1.Teacher:Somestudentsarebecomingarrogant.Doyourememberthestoryaboutracebetweenthehareandthetortoise?Now,Xiaoming,willyoupleasetelluswhytheharewasdefeatedbythetortoise?Xiaoming:Becausetheharefellasleep.Teacher:Absolutelyright!Whatshouldwedosothattheharewon'tfallasleep?Xiaoming:Exchangethetortoiseforthewolf.把乌龟换成狼老师：有些同学开始骄傲了，大家还记得龟兔赛跑的故事吗。小明，你说说看，兔子为什么输给乌龟？小明：因为它睡觉了。老师：对极了！我们应该怎么做才能让兔子不睡觉呢？小明：把乌龟换成狼！JonesieTheGreatLionHunterAsmallvillagewastroubledbyaman-eatinglion.Soitsleaderssentamessagetothegreathunter,Jonesie,tocomeandkillthebeast. Forseveralnightsthehunterlayinwaitforthelion,butitneverappeared.Finally,hetoldthevillagechieftokillacowandgivehimitshide.Drapingtheskinoverhisshoulders,hewenttothepasturetowaitforthelion.Inthemiddleofthenight,thevillagerswoketothesoundofblood-curdlingshriekscomingfromthepasture.Astheycarefullyapproached,theysawthehunterontheground,groaninginpain.Therewasnosignofthelion."Whathappened,Jonesie?Whereisthelion?"askedthechief."Forgetthedamnlion!"hehowled."Whichoneofyouidiotsletthebullloose?"伟大的猎手Jonesie有个小村庄正为一只吃人的狮子而烦恼。于是，村长派人去请伟大的猎手Jonesie来杀死这只野兽。猎手躺着等了几个晚上，但狮子一直没有出现。最后，他要求村长杀只羊然后把头皮给他。把羊皮披在身上后，猎人到草原上去等狮子。半夜，村民被从草原传来的声嘶力竭的尖叫声惊醒。他们小心地靠近后，看到猎手正躺在草地上痛苦地呻吟。没有狮子出没的蛛丝马迹。“Jonesie，怎么了？狮子在哪？”村长问。“哪有狮子！”猎人怒吼道，“哪个傻瓜把公牛放出来了？”————————————————————————————————————————WeatherPredictAfilmcrewwasonlocationdeepinthedesert.OnedayanoldIndianwentuptothedirectorandsaid,"Tomorrowrain."Thenextdayitrained.Aweeklater,theIndianwentuptothedirectorandsaid,"Tomorrowstorm."Thenextdaytherewasahailstorm."ThisIndianisincredible,"saidthedirector.HetoldhissecretarytohiretheIndiantopredicttheweather.However,afterseveralsuccessfulpredictions,theoldIndiandidn'tshowupfortwoweeks.Finallythedirectorsentforhim."Ihavetoshootabigscenetomorrow,"saidthedirector,"andI'mdependingonyou.Whatwilltheweatherbelike?"TheIndianshruggedhisshoulders."Don'tknow,"hesaid."Radioisbroken."天气预报一个电影摄制组在沙漠深处工作.一天,一个印度老人到导演跟前告诉导演说"明天下雨."第二天果然下雨了.一周后,印度人又来告诉导演说,"明天有风暴."果然,第二天下了雹暴."印度人真神,"导演说.他告诉秘书雇佣该印度人来预报天气.几次预报都很成功.然后,接下来的两周,印度人不见了.最后,导演派人去把他叫来了."我明天必须拍一个很大的场景,"导演说,"这得靠你了.明天天气如何啊?"印度人耸了耸肩."我不知道,"印度人说,"收音机坏了."——————————————————————————————————————————IAmActingLikeaLadyOnedaywhenwomen'sdresseswereonsaleattheFarEastDepartmentStore,adignifiedmiddle-agedmandecidedtogethiswifeapiece.Buthesoonfoundhimselfbeingbatteredby franticwomen.Hestooditaslongashecould;then,withheadloweredandarmsflailing,heplowedthroughthecrowed."Youthere!"challengedathrillvoice."Can'tyouactlikeagentleman?""Listen,"hesaid,"Ihavebeenactinglikeagentlemanforanhour.Fromnowon,Iamactinglikealady."我要表现得象位女士一天，远东百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给太太买一件。可是，没过多久，他发现自己已被疯狂的女人冲得踉踉跄跄。他竭力忍耐着。后来，他低下头，挥动双臂，挤过人群。“你干嘛？”有人尖声叫道，“你难道不能表现得象位绅士吗？”“听着，”他说，“我已经象绅士一样表现了一个小时。从现在起，我要表现得象个女士。”
