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1、TheGunSellerHughLaurieFormyfatherIamindebtedtothewriterandbroadcasterStephenFryforhiscomments;toKimHarrisandSarahWilliamsfortheiroverpoweringgoodtasteandintelligence;tomyliteraryagentAnthonyGoff,whohasbeenunstintinginhissupportandencouragement;tomytheatricalagent
2、LorraineHamilton,fornotmindingthatIalsohavealiteraryagent,andtomywifeJo,forthingsthatwouldfillalongerbookthanthis.PARTONEOneIsawamanthismorningWhodidnotwishtodie;PS.STEWARTImaginethatyouhavetobreaksomeone’sarm.Rightorleft,doesn’tmatter.Thepointisthatyouhavetobrea
3、kit,becauseifyoudon’t...well,thatdoesn’tmattereither.Let’sjustsaybadthingswillhappenifyoudon’t.Now,myquestiongoeslikethis:doyoubreakthearmquickly-snap,whoops,sorry,hereletmehelpyouwiththatimprovisedsplint-ordoyoudragthewholebusinessoutforagoodeightminutes,everyno
4、wandthenincreasingthepressureinthetiniestofincrements,untilthepainbecomespinkandgreenandhotandcoldandaltogetherhowlinglyunbearable?Wellexactly.Ofcourse.Therightthingtodo,theonlythingtodo,istogetitoverwithasquicklyaspossible.Breakthearm,plythebrandy,beagoodcitizen
5、.Therecanbenootheranswer.Unless.Unlessunlessunless.Whatifyouweretohatethepersonontheotherendofthearm?Imeanreally,reallyhatethem.ThiswasathingInowhadtoconsider.Isaynow,meaningthen,meaningthemomentIamdescribing;themomentfractionally,ohsobloodyfractionally,beforemyw
6、ristreachedthebackofmyneckandmylefthumerusbrokeintoatleasttwo,verypossiblymore,floppilyjoined-togetherpieces.Thearmwe’vebeendiscussing,yousee,ismine.It’snotanabstract,philosopher’sarm.Thebone,theskin,thehairs,thesmallwhitescaronthepointoftheelbow,wonfromthecorner
7、ofastorageheateratGateshillPrimarySchool-theyallbelongtome.AndnowisthemomentwhenImustconsiderthepossibilitythatthemanstandingbehindme,grippingmywristanddrivingitupmyspinewithanalmostsexualdegreeofcare,hatesme.Imean,really,reallyhatesme.Heistakingforever.Hisnamewa
8、sRayner.Firstnameunknown.Byme,atanyrate,andtherefore,presumably,byyoutoo.Isupposesomeone,somewhere,musthaveknownhisfirstname-musthavebaptisedhimwithit,calledhi
