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1、TheGunSellerHughLaurieFormyfatherIamindebtedtothewriterandbroadcasterStephenFryforhiscomments;toKimHarrisandSarahWilliamsfortheiroverpoweringgoodtasteandintelligence;tomyliteraryagentAnthonyGoff,whohasbeenunstintinginhissupportandencouragement;tomytheatricalagentLorraineHamilton,fornotmindin
2、gthatIalsohavealiteraryagent,andtomywifeJo,forthingsthatwouldfillalongerbookthanthis.PARTONEOneIsawamanthismorningWhodidnotwishtodie;PS.STEWARTImaginethatyouhavetobreaksomeone’sarm.Rightorleft,doesn’tmatter.Thepointisthatyouhavetobreakit,becauseifyoudon’t...well,thatdoesn’tmattereither.Let’s
3、justsaybadthingswillhappenifyoudon’t.Now,myquestiongoeslikethis:doyoubreakthearmquickly-snap,whoops,sorry,hereletmehelpyouwiththatimprovisedsplint-ordoyoudragthewholebusinessoutforagoodeightminutes,everynowandthenincreasingthepressureinthetiniestofincrements,untilthepainbecomespinkandgreenan
4、dhotandcoldandaltogetherhowlinglyunbearable?Wellexactly.Ofcourse.Therightthingtodo,theonlythingtodo,istogetitoverwithasquicklyaspossible.Breakthearm,plythebrandy,beagoodcitizen.Therecanbenootheranswer.Unless.Unlessunlessunless.Whatifyouweretohatethepersonontheotherendofthearm?Imeanreally,rea
5、llyhatethem.ThiswasathingInowhadtoconsider.Isaynow,meaningthen,meaningthemomentIamdescribing;themomentfractionally,ohsobloodyfractionally,beforemywristreachedthebackofmyneckandmylefthumerusbrokeintoatleasttwo,verypossiblymore,floppilyjoined-togetherpieces.Thearmwe’vebeendiscussing,yousee,ism
6、ine.It’snotanabstract,philosopher’sarm.Thebone,theskin,thehairs,thesmallwhitescaronthepointoftheelbow,wonfromthecornerofastorageheateratGateshillPrimarySchool-theyallbelongtome.AndnowisthemomentwhenImustconsiderthepossibilitythatthemanstandingbehindme,grippingmywristanddrivingitupmyspinewith
7、analmostsexualdegreeofcare,hatesme.Imean,really,reallyhatesme.Heistakingforever.HisnamewasRayner.Firstnameunknown.Byme,atanyrate,andtherefore,presumably,byyoutoo.Isupposesomeone,somewhere,musthaveknownhisfirstname-musthavebaptisedhimwithit,calledhi
