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THEBOSSOnedayamangoestoapetshoptobuyaparrot.Theassistanttakesthemantotheparrotsectionandasksthemantochooseone.Themanasks,HHowmuchistheyellowone?nTheassistantsays,H$2000.HThemanisshockedandaskstheassistantwhyit'ssoexpensive.Theassistantexplains,"Thisparrotisaveryspecialone.Heknowstypewritingandcantypereallyfast/1"Whataboutthegreenone?"themanasks.Theassistantsays,nHecosts$5000becauseheknowstypewritingandcananswerincomingtelephonecallsandtakesnotes.n"Whatabouttheredone?"themanasks.Theassistantsays,"Thatone's$10,000."Themansays,"WhatdoesHEdo?nTheassistantsays,HIdonftknow,buttheothertwocallhimboss." BEAUTIFUL?Therewasalawyerandhewasjustwakingupfromanesthesiaaftersurgery,andhiswifewassittingbyhisside・Hiseyesflutteredopenandhesaid,"YouTebeautiful!"andthenhefellasleepagain.Hiswifehadneverheardhimsaythatsoshestayedbyhisside・Acoupleminuteslaterhiseyesflutteredopenandhesaid"You'recute!"Well,thewifewasdissapointedbecauseinsteadof"beautiful"itwas"cute."Shesaid"Whathappenedto'beautiful,?Hisreplywas"Thedrugsarewearingoff!”CONSTRUCTIONCODEAconstructionworkeronthethirdfloorofabuildingneedsahandsaw.Heseesoneofthelaborersonthefirstfloorandyellsdowntohim,butthemanindicatesthathecan'thear.So,theguyonthethirdfloortriestousesigns.Hepointstohiseye,meaning,nrthenathisknee,meaning,nneedn,thenhemoveshishandbackandforth,meaning,nhandsawH. Themanonthefirstfloornods,thendropshispantsandbeginstomasturbate・Themanonthethirdfloorfreaksoutandrunsdowntothefirstflooryelling,HWhatthehelliswrongwithyou!?!Areyoustupidorsomething?IwassayingthatIneededahandsaw!nThelaborerlooksatthecarpenterandsays,nIknewthat.IwasjusttryingtotellyouthatIwascoming/1CONSTRUCTIONEARAconstructionworkeraccidentallycutsoffoneofhisearswithanelectricsaw・Hecallsouttoaguywalkingonthestreetbelow,"Hey,doyouseemyeardownthere?nTheguyonthestreetpicksupanear,"Isthisit?n"No,"repliestheconstructionworker,nminehadapencilbehindit.nFOODFORTHEHUNGRYThreedriftersareroamingthecountrysideforsometime.Theycomeuponasmallfarmhousewithcropsplantedaroundit.Theyareveryhungry,thirsty,andtiredsothe firstguysuggeststheystealsomefood・Thesecondsaystheyshouldaskforfood,sohethengoesupandknocksonthedoorandanold,uglyladyanswers.Heasksforfoodandsheagrees-butonlyunderonecondition.Theymusthavesexwithher.Thefirstdriftersaysno,theladyistoougly,andgoesbackintothewoods・Thethirdguyisveryhungryandagrees・Heentersthecottageandgoesintoacornernearapileofcorntotransacthisbusinesswiththeoldlady.Theoldladyisready,buttheguysayshe'llonlydoitifshe'sblindfolded.Sosheputsonablindfoldandbendsover.Quicklytheguygrabsanearofcornandsticksitinsidetheoldlady,thenthrowsitoutthewindow・Thewomansays,nAgain/andthemandoesthesamething.Satisfied,shegivesthemansomefoodandheleaves・Asheiswalkingoutofthefarmhouse,hecomesupontheothertwoguys."Guesswhat?"thefirstguysays,"whileyouscrewedthatoldhagwefoundtwoearsofcreamcorn!n DEADAGAINAfuneralserviceisheldforawomanwhojustpassedaway.Asthepallbearerscarrythecasketout,theyaccidentallybumpintoawall.Theyhearafaintmoan.Theyopenthecasketandfindthatthewomanisactuallyalive.Shelivesfor10moreyearsandthendies.Theyhaveanotherfuneralforher.Attheendoftheservice,thepallbearerscarryoutthecasket.Astheyarewalking,thehusbandcriesout,"Watchoutforthewall!nBILLGATESINHELLBillGatesgoestopurgatory.St.Petersays,"NowBill,youhavedonesomegoodthings,andyouhavedonesomebadthings・NowIamgoingtoletyoudecidewhereyouwanttogo".First,S匚PetershowsBillanimageofHellwithbeautifulwomenrunningonbeaches・Then,StPetershowsBillanimageofHeavenwithrobedangelsplayingharpsonclouds・BillchoosesHell.Aboutaweeklater,St.PeterchecksinonBillinHelland findshimbeingwhippedbydemons・BillsaystoSt.Peter,nWhathappenedtoallthebeautifulwomenandthebeaches?"St.Peterreplies,nThatwasjustthescreensaver.n THEDEACONSLASTWORDSAdeaconisinthehospitalandhisgoodfriend,apreacher,goestovisithim.Thepreachernoticesallthemedicalequipmentattachedtothedeacon.Hekneelsbythebed・Thedeaconmotionstoapadandpenonthenightstand.Thepreacherhandshisfriendthepadandpen,andthedeaconbeginstowrite.Suddenly,thedeacondies.Athisfuneral,thepreacherdeliverstheservice.Hesays,nIwaswithhimwhenhedied,andasamatteroffact,Ihavehislastthoughtinmycoatpockethere/Thepreacherpullsoutthepaperandreads,"Please,getup.You'rekneelingonmyoxygenhose."WIDOWSFUTUREAwomanvisitsafortunetellerwhotellsher,^Prepareyourselftobeawidow.Yourhusbandwilldieaviolentandhorribledeaththisyear."Visiblyshaken,thewomantakesafewdeepbreaths,steadieshervoiceandasks,"WillIbeacquitted?11