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英语幽默小笑话大全1.akissAtadinnerparty,thespeaker,whowastheguestofhonor,wasabouttodeliveraspeechwhenhiswifesittingattheotherendofthetable,senthimapieceofpaperwiththeword"KISS"scribbledonit.Theguestseatednexttothespeakersaid,"Yourwifemustloveyouverymuch,Iseehersendyoua'KISS'beforeyoubeginyourspeech."Thespeakersmiledandexplained,"Youdon'tknowmywife.The'KISS'shegivemestandsfor'KeepItShort,Stupid.'" 2.Ateacherwastryingtomakeuseofherpsychologycourses.Shestartedherclassbysaying,"Everyonewhothinksyou'restupid,standup!"LittleJohnnythenstoodup.Theteachersaid,"Doyouthinkyou'restupid,Johnny?""No,ma'am,butIhatetoseeyoustandingthereallbyyourself!"一个老师在对学生们讲心理学，“谁认为自己蠢就站起来？”她一开始就说。小约翰尼站了起来。“你认为你很蠢吗，小约翰尼？”老师问。 “不是的，老师，我只是不喜欢看你一个人站着。”3.agreatmanTeacher:WouldShakespearebeagreatmanifhewerestillalivetoday?Student:Ofcourse.Hemustbeagreatman,forsofarnobodyhaslivedtoover400years.一名伟人老师：如果莎士比亚还活着，他会是一名伟人吗？学生：当然。因为到目前为止，还没有人活到400多岁。4TwoCutedogsAmanwalksintoashopandseesacute littledog.Heaskstheshopkeeper,"Doesyourdogbite?"Theshopkeepersays,"No,mydogdoesnotbite."Themantriestopetthedogandthedogbiteshim."Ouch,"hesays,"Ithoughtyousaidyourdogdoesnotbite!"Theshopkeeperreplies,"Thatisnotmydog."6.Policeman:Whydidn'tyoushoutforhelpwhenyouwererobbedofyourwatch?Man:IfIhadopenedmymouth,they'dhavefoundmyfourgoldteeth.Thatwouldbemuchworse.警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？ 男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了。7.Thelittlegirldidnotlikethelookofthebarkingdog."It'sallright,"saidagentleman,"don'tbeafraid.Don'tyouknowtheproverb:Barkingdogsdon'tbite?""Ah,yes,"answeredthelittlegirl."Iknowtheproverb,butdoesthedogknowtheproverb,too?"一个小女孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？” 8.ClassandAssProfessorLaurieofGlasgowputthisnoticeonhisdoor：“ProfessorLauriewillnotmeethisclassestoday．”Astudent，afterreadingthenotice，rubbedoutthe“c”．LaterProfessorLauriecamealong，andenteringintothespiritofthejoke，rubbedoutthe“l”．格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不会他的班。”一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”。后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”。9.Nomatterwhichgirlhebroughthome，theyoungmanfounddisapprovalfrom hismother．Afriendgavehimadvice．“Findagirljustlikeyourmother—thenshe'sboundtolikeher．Sotheyoungmansearchedandsearched，andfinallyfoundthegirl．Hetoldhisfriendlyadviser：“Justlikeyousaid，Ifoundagirlwholooked，talked，dressed，andevencookedlikemother．Andjustasyousaid，motherlikedher”“So，”askedthefriend，“whathappened？”“Nothing，”saidtheyoungman．“Myfatherhatesher！”无论带哪一个女孩回家，这位青年人总会遭到母亲的反对。一位朋友劝他说：“ 找一个和你母亲一样的女孩——那她一定会喜欢她。”于是这位青年人不停地找啊找，终于找到了这么个女孩。正像你说的那样，我找到一个长相、谈吐、穿着打扮，甚至连烹饪都和我母亲一样的女孩。也正像你说的那样，我母亲喜欢她。”“那后来呢？”朋友问。“没什么，”青年人说。“我父亲讨厌她！”10TheSameService.Amanwhohadbeenmarriedfortenyearswasconsultingamarriagecounselor．“WhenIwasfirstmarried，Iwasveryhappy．I'dcomehomefromaharddaydownattheshop，andmylittledogwouldracearoundbarking，andmy wifewouldbringmemyslippers．Noweverything'schanged．WhenIcomehome，mydogbringsmemyslippers，andmywifebarksatme．”“Idon'tknowwhatyou'recomplainingabout，”saidthecounselor．“You'restillgettingthesameservice．”一个结婚十年的男人正在请教一位婚姻顾问。“刚结婚那会儿，我非常幸福。我在店里劳累一天回到家，我的小狗会绕着我跑，汪汪叫，而我的妻子给我拿来拖鞋。现在一切都变了。我回到家里，我的狗给我拿来拖鞋，我的妻子对着我汪汪叫。”“我不知道你在抱怨什么，”婚姻顾问说。“你得到的服务还是一样的呀。” 11.Ahighwaypatrolofficerstoppedaspeedingmotorist."Don'tyouknowwhattheblinkinglightsandsirenmean?"hedemanded. "Yes,sir,"repliedthedriver. "Thenwhydidn'tyoupulloverimmediately?" "Iwouldhave,officer,"themansaid."Butlastmonthmywiferanoffwithapoliceman,andIwasafraidyouwerebringingherback.一位公路巡警截住了一个超速司机。“难道你不知道闪烁灯和警笛的意思吗？”他责问道。 “知道，长官，”司机回答说。“那你为什么不立即靠边停车？” “我本来想这样做的，长官。”那男子回答说，“但上个月我妻子和一位警察私奔了，我是害怕你把她带回来。”12.Workman：“Mr.Brown，Ishouldliketoaskforasmallriseinmywages．Ihavejustbeenmarried．”Employer：“Verysorry，mydearman，butIcan'thelpyou．Foraccidentswhichhappentoourworkmenoutsidethefactory,wearenotresponsible．”工人：“布朗先生，我想请您给我加一点工资。我刚刚结了婚。”雇主：“ 非常抱歉，老兄，但是我无能为力。对工人在厂外发生的事故我们概不负责。”13.SirWilliamThompsonwasverydeafbuthedidnotlikepeopletoknowthis．Oneeveninghehadinvitedseveralfriendstodinner，andwhiletheyweresittingatthetable，oneofthefriendstoldafunnystory．Everyonelaughed，andSirWilliam，whohadlaughedasloudasanyone，said，“Thatwasaveryfunnyjoke，butIknowafunnierone．Wouldyouliketohearit？”Theyallsaidtheywould，soSirWilliambeganhisstory．Whenitended，everyonelaughed louderthaneverandSirWilliamsmiledhappily．Buthedidn'tknowthereasonfortheirlaughter．Hehadtoldtheverysamestorythathisfriendhadjusttold．威廉·汤普森爵士非常聋，但他却不愿意让别人知道这件事，一天晚上，他邀请了几位朋友吃饭。在就餐的时候，一位朋友讲了个有趣的故事，大都笑了，汤普森也和别人一样放声大笑，他说：“这是个十分有趣的笑话，但是我还知道一个更有趣的笑话，你们愿意听吗？”朋友们都说愿意听。于是，汤普森开始讲他的故事。当故事讲完时，大家笑得比方才还厉害，汤普森的脸上露出了欣慰的笑容。但他却不知道别人发笑的原因。原来，他讲的正是方才那位朋友讲的故事。 14.Mrs.Brown:Oh,mydear,Ihavelostmypreciouslittledog!Mrs.Smith:Butyoumustputanadvertisementinthepapers!Mrs.Brown:It'snouse,mylittledogcan'tread.布朗夫人：哦，亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”1.AsnewstudentsatauniversityinBoston,manyofuswereunfamiliarwiththecampusandconsequentlylateforclass.Oneprofessor,however,wasparticularlyintolerantoftardiness,makingitclearthatnoexcusewouldbeacceptable.Sowhenastudentstumbledintohisclassone morninglate,weexpectedtheworst.Obviousupset,theprofessordemandedthereasonforthestudent’stardiness.“Iwaswaitingonlinetobuyyournewtextbook,“sherepliednervously.Gazingoutattherestoftheclass,theprofessorasked,“Well,whyweren’ttherestofyoulate?”
