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1、Onceinadryseason,Iwroteinlargelettersacrosstwopagesofanotebookthatinnocenceendswhenoneisstrippedofthedelusionthatonelikesoneself.Althoughnow,someyearslater,Imarvelthatamindontheoutswithitselfshouldhavenonethelessmadepainstakingrecordofitseverytremor,Irecallwithembarrassingclaritytheflavorofthosepar
2、ticularashes.Itwasamatterofmisplacedself-respect. IhadnotbeenelectedtoPhiBetaKappa.Thisfailurecouldscarcelyhavebeenmorepredictableorlessambiguous(Isimplydidnothavethegrades),butIwasunnervedbyit;IhadsomehowthoughtmyselfakindofacademicRaskolnikov,curiouslyexemptfromthecause-effectrelationshipswhichha
3、mperedothers.Althougheventhehumorlessnineteen-year-oldthatIwasmusthaverecognizedthatthesituationlackedrealtragicstature,thedayIdidnotmakePhiBetaKappanonethelessmarkedtheendofsomething,andinnocencemaywellbethewordforit.Ilosttheconvictionthatlightswouldalwaysturngreenforme,thepleasantcertaintythattho
4、seratherpassivevirtueswhichhadwonmeapprovalasachildautomaticallyguaranteedmenotonlyPhiBetaKappabuthappiness,honor,andtheloveofagoodman;lostacertaintouchingfaithinthetotempowerofgoodmanners,cleanhair,andprovencompetenceontheStanford-Binetscale.Tosuchdoubtfulamuletshadmyself-respectbeenpinned,andIfac
5、edmyselfthatdaywiththenonplussedapprehensionofsomeonewhohascomeacrossavampireandhasnocrucifixathand. Althoughtobedrivenbackupononeselfisanuneasyaffairatbest,ratherliketryingtocrossaborderwithborrowedcredentials,itseemstomenowtheoneconditionnecessarytothebeginningsofrealself-respect.Mostofourplatitu
6、desnotwithstanding,self-deceptionremainsthemostdifficultdeception.Thetricksthatworkonotherscountfornothingintheverywell-litbackalleywhereonekeepsassignationswithoneself:nowinningsmileswilldohere,noprettilydrawnlistsofgoodintentions.Oneshufflesflashilybutinvainthroughone'smarkedcards--thekindnessdon
7、eforthewrongreason,theapparenttriumphwhichinvolvednorealeffort,theseeminglyheroicactintowhichonehadbeenshamed.Thedismalfactisthatself-respecthasnothingtodowiththeapprovalofothers--whoare,afterall,deceivedea
